Love, In One Sense of the Word

Reading: The Four Loves (ch.5 Eros), C. S. Lewis

Listening to Lewis' lecture about the third of the four loves, Eros, was particularly interesting. Having read only his first two chapters on affection (Storge) and friendship (Philia), I found his chapter on sexual love very intriguing. While there are four kinds of loves, it seems to me that they intermingle quite a bit, making it difficult to differentiate between them.

In the context of Eros, however, Lewis had much to say.

I find it interesting and somewhat contradictory to popular belief that Lewis believes a man in the Eros sort of love thinks of a woman not very much as a woman, but rather as a person with whom they are delightedly interested. This particular woman, from what it sounds like, is a fascinating creature; a man loves her to be around her, to think of what she might say. Essentially, he loves her very much as a very interesting person before he even gives thought to her as a woman. In our society, it seems to be backwards, and not only backwards, but broken. Men and women alike fall rather hard "in love" in the sense that they are very attracted to each other in regards to appearance and sexual desire. They tend to look too far ahead, to skip the step in which they are simply fascinated with each other, when they want to learn about one another and talk and explore each other's childhoods, fears, thoughts, and more. But in this backwards way of doing things, the proper route is distorted, is essentially broken. Eventually, it is no longer possible to achieve the original route. It's like building a train track. If you skip a section of rail, the train won't be able to go on normally. It will be derailed, it will deviate and crash. It is very difficult indeed to make a relationship that starts out with Venus, rather than Eros, to continue in Eros.

It's tricky, though. It's hard to make assumptions about something I have never experienced myself. I think that what limited experience I have from past relationships are proof enough of how not to go about the whole business. What I've come to realize is that there are levels, sort of what Lewis explains in his lectures: The four loves, all intermingled, make for the most beautiful, healthy married relationship.

On one level, one's partner is one's friend. One is affectionate toward him or her in the sense that they are familiar, comforting, like an old pair of warm slippers. Also, though, is the level of trusted companionship; one's partner is one's confidante (I understand that the term "confidante" is always in reference to a woman. Learning something new every day, I suppose. But the concept, I believe, is the same). They are the one one looks forward to seeing, to talking to. Thirdly, Eros, the mutual fascination, attraction, and sexual partnership; One satisfies his or her partner, and his or her partner satisfies them. But the fourth, Agape, spins its thread through all of the loves. God's love, Christian love; it is the meaning of loving someone even when you don't agree, even when their habits bother you, even when both of you are completely drained of patience with the other. It is what allows you to pray for each other, not selfishly in order that God might change them to your ideals, but because their spiritual growth is as important as your own. It is as though you are not only in love with each other, but you are in love with God in one another.

And that is a love that is patient, kind, humble, forgiving, honest, protecting, trusting, hopeful, persevering; it is the love that never fails.